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UVA had a fantastic basketball season, culminating in an NCAA Tournament bid. Before the #10 seed Cavs play the evil Gators in Omaha on Friday, here are some of the highlights (and lowlights) from their regular season:
- Sept 20: Coach Tony Bennett releases an album of duets, in which he sings with Lady Gaga, Willie Nelson, and Mike Krzyzewski
- Nov 10: Cavman releases a statement saying any accusations the he uses steroids are completely false
- Dec 22: Despite winning at both Oregon and Seattle, the team comes back with a pacific northwest depression. Guard Sammy Zeglinski writes an angsty song about how his dad never gave him enough lunch money
- Jan 12: UVA loses to Duke on the basketball court, but steals all the pocket protectors from their locker room
- Jan 19: Center Assane Sene rolls his ankle re-enacting a scene from the Smurfs movie, but convinces his teammates it was a basketball injury
- Feb 8: Guard Doug Browman takes off his gym shorts, and throws them into the hamper with 1.3 seconds left before bed time
- Mar 4: Forward Mike Scott named to the all-ACC best hair team
Good luck to UVA in the NCAA Tourney! Beat those slimy Gators!!!
In a new list by Forbes Magazine, UVA is ranked the third best value among public colleges. The list takes into account the quality of education, and the opportunity for low tuition and scholarships.
So, why is an education at UVA such a good value?
- You can save $1.50 on tuition with your Harris Teeter VIC card
- Free fraternity housing if you can drink your weight in beer and hot sauce
- The Tina Fey scholarship, for sexy librarians
- High paying campus jobs, like a handyman who dares to figure out what’s that tapping on the chamber door of the Edgar Allen Poe room
- Students are issued pastel polo shirts and/or sundresses with admission
- Students have access to free state-of-the-art tools for online research, called Wikipedia
- Two words: Bodo’s
- If you transfer from Boise State, Auburn, or the Chicago Bears, you don’t have to change the color of your wardrobe
- Free concerts on the downtown mall (as long as you don’t mind sitting outside the pavilion, and not seeing who is singing)
- Quality education by excellent professors including astronauts, authors, and some dude who knows all the words to One Week by the Barenaked Ladies
The UVA Football team is headed to the Chick-Fil-A Bowl to celebrate their impressive football season with chicken biscuits and cows that can’t spell. But before that, let’s take a look back at this historic season:
Sep 3: William & Mary (W 40-3)
RB Kevin Parks has a few too many red bulls before the game, rushes for 114 yards and 3 touchdowns
Sep 10: at Indiana W (34-31)
UVA wins despite the entire team having the the song “Goin’ Back to Indiana” stuck in their heads for 5 straight days before the game
Sep 17: at North Carolina (L 17-28)
UVA is humbled by losing to a football team that wears powder blue uniforms
Sep 24: Southern Miss (L 24-30)
UVA loses because they accidentally prepared to play Ole Miss
Oct 1: Idaho (W 21-20)
Mike London admits letting the game to into overtime because he thought he’d be paid overtime
Oct 15: (12) Georgia Tech W (24-21)
In a team meeting before the game, the Cavs unanimously vote that they should beat the #12 team in the country
Oct 22: North Carolina State (L 14-28)
UVA gives the ball up to NC State four times, saying they don’t want to be part of the 1%
Oct 27: at Miami (FL) (W 28-21)
UVA gets help from the engineering department in setting up a fake field goal, using holograms, mirrors, and a trap door on the 40 yard line
Nov 5: at Maryland (W 31-13)
Mike London wins the game, then blogs abouts about how delicious Maryland crabcakes are
Nov 12: Duke (W 31-21)
UVA jumps out to an early lead when Duke keeps trying to dribble and shoot the football
Nov 19: at (23) Florida State (W 14-13)
Mike London solidifies his spot as ACC Coach of the Year, UVA Big Man on Campus, and Charlottesville Idol
Nov 26: (6) Virginia Tech (L 0-38)
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On Saturday, the Virginia and Virginia Tech football teams will play a historic game, in which the winner will play in the ACC Championship. But this is more than just one game.
Here is what’s on the line for Saturday’s game:
- The winner will be crowned Champion of the ACC Coastal Division (despite being at least 150 miles from coast)
- The truck drivers along I-81 between Blacksburg and Charlottesville will be reminded of football greatness as they are driving 45 mph uphill in the passing lane
- The winner gets a Dr Pepper patch sewn into their uniform for the Dr Pepper ACC Championship Game against Clemson
- Alumni who are programming super computers to assist with heart transplants will get to brag about a football score
- The winner will get the “Commonwealth Cup”, a trophy shaped like a Virginia Slim cigarette
- If UVA wins, the signs in Southwest Virginia will be changed from “Virginia’s Technology Corridor” to “Virginia’s Football Loser Corridor”.
- If Tech wins, the pillars of the Rotunda will be painted maroon and orange.
- Thousands of high schoolers will decide their education based on which students excel at throwing an oblong rubber ball
Dave Norris |
Dave Koehn |
Dave Matthews |
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| Best Known For: | Being Mayor of Charlottesville | Being the “Voice of the Cavaliers” | Crash Into Me |
| Can Be Seen At: | City council meetings | UVA football games | The JPJ |
| Popular With: | Democrats | Cavs fans | Frat boys |
| Supports: | Affordable housing | UVA touchdowns | Blenheim wine |
| Superpower: | Having over 1800 Facebook friends | Making 300 pound dudes crashing into each other sound sexy | Being Dave Matthews |
| Weakness: | Bodos | The spelling of his last name | Tour bus waste management |
| Nemesis: | Chuck Norris | “Voice of the Hokies” Bill Roth | Global warming |
| Knowledge Base: | Knows the sidewalk shoveling laws | Knows the rules of red shirting a player | Knows Why I Am |
| Muppet Equivalent: |  Sweetums |
 Sam the Bald Eagle |
 Dr. Teeth |
