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The UVA Football team is 2-0, and off to their best start since 2005. Coach Mike London seemed as surprised as anyone, prompting an odd but excited pep talk.
“You know that thing where we won last week?” London said to his team at practice on Wednesday. “Yes, let’s do that again! That was awesome!”
Coach London attributes last week’s win to UVA scoring more points than their opponent. Sources close to the football team say that London is forming this week’s entire game plan around this strategy.
London’s new tactic, which he codenamed “winning” (an idea he got from Charlie Sheen), has a two-part plan. First, he wants to score some points on offense. And second, he wants to do that other one where the opposing team scores few to no points.
“I don’t want to tip my hand and just give them our playbook,” London said of Saturday’s match up against UNC. “But let’s just say we want to win by the end of the 4th quarter.”
Will Coach London’s new strategy work? Find out Saturday as UNC hosts the ‘Hoos at 3:30 on ESPNU.
The University of Virginia announced a new cost-saving campus beautification initiative on Monday. One of the controversial points of this initiative is to replace The Lawn with AstroTurf.
“It’s a great plan,” says UVA president Teresa Sullivan. “In the long run, it will save the University on landscaping costs, and it’ll ensure The Lawn will be green all year.”
Another benefit of an AstroTurf Lawn would be its multi-use capabilities. Graduation is expected to run quicker and more efficiently on artificial turf. And the UVA football team will suddenly have an unexpected new place to practice.
Proponents say that Thomas Jefferson would be proud of the ingenuity and efficiency of an AstroTurf Lawn. As an inventor and free thinker, Jefferson would applaud ripping up the centerpiece of the University he founded, and replacing it with a modern antimicrobial rubber and nylon fiber surface.
“We hope other universities will follow our lead,” says Sullivan. “This is a proud day for UVA, modern landscapers, and artificial grass enthusiasts everywhere.”
UVA officials say once the AstroTurf lawn project is complete, it is looking into putting aluminum siding on the rotunda.
In an major announcement on Wednesday, UVA introduced John Simon as the new Executive Vice President & Provost of the university. Simon then spent the afternoon googling what a provost does.
After the announcement, Simon immediately went to his new office on campus, opened the dictionary.com app on his smart phone, and looked up the word provost. With definitions ranging from “a person appointed to preside” to “the mayor of a municipality in Scotland,” Simon was more confused than before.
“I was a vice provost at Duke for six years,” Simon explained. “That basically means if the provost died in office, I would get to be the new provost. So when I took this job at UVA, I decided I should look up the word.”
Simon took his laptop to the Panera at Barracks Road, got a cup of coffee, and spent the afternoon googling what a provost actually is. He was surprised and impressed by what he found.
“It was a very informative and constructive first day on the job,” Simon said. “I spent like two hours looking up what a provost does. I only took one 20 minute break to look at videos of dogs on skateboards.”
Simon hopes this position will be a stepping stone, and that one day he will be promoted to Jedi Master of the UVA Empire.
The Zeta Psi fraternity has been disassociated with the University of Virginia due to a hazing issue that sent one pledge to the hospital. Police are now saying the fraternity had been previously investigated. One key infraction was forcing pledges to repeatedly watch bad Nicolas Cage movies.
Beware: Nicolas Cage can be hazardous to your health
“It was horrible,” says UVA sophomore and former pledge Elwood Bingham. “They made me watch Season of the Witch, Ghost Rider, and Wicker Man in succession. I couldn’t sleep for days.”
Psychologists say that Bingham was suffering from a disorder called Niccageitis, which can be found among teenage boys and people with no discerning movie taste. Symptoms include eye-rolling, cringing, using bad dialogue, and randomly yelling out, “God, this is so stupid, I can’t believe this ridiculous movie was ever made!”
Police say that watching Nicolas Cage movies, like smoking, can be hazardous to your health, but is not illegal. And while Zeta Psi was put under probation, no formal charges were made.
Bingham is still undergoing therapy. And while he is making progress, he admits there is still a long way to go.
“It’s still a daily struggle,” says Bingham. “Rumor has it they are making a third National Treasure movie. When they start advertising it, I will have to live through the trauma all over again.”
The UVA baseball team won their Super Regional tournament this weekend, propelling them to the College World Series. But before they head to Omaha, let’s take a look back at some of the highlights (and lowlights) of the UVA baseball season.
March 2nd
Coach O’Connor takes the entire team to the bounce n’ play.
March 13th
Left fielder John Barr catches a fly ball in his teeth.
March 29th
Will Roberts solves Fermat’s Last Theorem, while pitching a perfect game.
April 6th
Team scrimmages the UVA football team and wins by 2 touchdowns.
April 9th
Catcher John Hicks accidentally calls Coach O’Connor “Mom”.
April 24th
Shortstop Chris Taylor steals second, third, and the opposing pitcher’s wallet, all in one inning.
May 13th
Pitcher Danny Hultzen embarrassingly throws a screaming fastball instead of a blazing fastball.
May 25th
Team proves that the opposing pitcher is, in fact, a belly-itcher.
June 13th
UVA summons some serious mojo for a 9th inning win to propel them to the college world series.
Good luck to the UVA baseball team at the College World Series. We’ll be cheering for you from home in C’ville!
