“It’s unbelievable,” says Trish Rutherford, owner of the Sundress Barn on the downtown mall. “We get a new shipment of sundresses in, and they are gone within an hour.”

Other stores, such as the Sundress Hut, Sundresses Etc, and Sundress For Less are reporting similar problems. The shortage is expected to last several months, at least through August. And those lucky enough to find a new sundress will certainly pay exorbitant prices due to high demand.

Women aren’t the only ones having a hard time finding appropriate clothing for the summer. Men are reporting that pastel polo shirts are increasingly hard to find. Those with horses or alligators on them are especially scarce.

City council is holding an emergency meeting to discuss solutions for this clothing emergency. While importing sundresses from abroad is a good short-term fix, they are exploring broader solutions to decrease our dependence on foreign summer attire.

“It’s a serious problem indeed,” says Rutherford. “I mean, how are people supposed to walk along The Corner without a new sundress? Are they supposed to wear shorts and a shirt? That’s just neanderthal.”

• Sept 20:  Coach Tony Bennett releases an album of duets, in which he sings with Lady Gaga, Willie Nelson, and Mike Krzyzewski
• Nov 10:  Cavman releases a statement saying any accusations the he uses steroids are completely false
• Dec 22: Despite winning at both Oregon and Seattle, the team comes back with a pacific northwest depression.  Guard Sammy Zeglinski writes an angsty song about how his dad never gave him enough lunch money
• Jan 12:   UVA loses to Duke on the basketball court, but steals all the pocket protectors from their locker room
• Jan 19:  Center Assane Sene rolls his ankle re-enacting a scene from the Smurfs movie, but convinces his teammates it was a basketball injury
• Feb 8:  Guard Doug Browman takes off his gym shorts, and throws them into the hamper with 1.3 seconds left before bed time
• Mar 4: Forward Mike Scott named to the all-ACC best hair team

Good luck to UVA in the NCAA Tourney!  Beat those slimy Gators!!!

Now the governor is going one step farther in mandating that women buy their unborn child a pony before getting an abortion.  The bill, written by a bunch of old dudes, is intended to help inform women on the psychological implications of buying a child a pony.

“This is an important law for women, children, and ponies everywhere,” said McDonnell.  “Women considering an abortion should consider the medical, psychological, spiritual, and equine implications of their unborn child.”

A rally is planned in Richmond next week to protest the planned law.  Opponents say that this law goes too far, and that conservatives are trying to shame women into foregoing abortions. 

Pro-Choice groups are also arguing that many low-income women can’t afford the price of ponies.  They are pointing to a conflict of interest, in that the state’s largest pony farm, Ponyburton, is owned by Virginia Lieutenant Governor Bill Bolling.

This may not be the end for Virginia’s anti-abortion bills.  Other bills in the state legislature include making women do the following before getting an abortion:

• Have Rush Limbaugh call her names on his radio show
• Change her Facebook status to “Abortion-Lover”
• Have a 10 minute conversation with Tim Tebow
• Wear a red “A” on her shirt
• Have a baby shower

The pony bill is expected to go in effect on July 1st.  Coincidentally, that is the date that Ponyburton is expected receive their largest ever shipment of shiny new ponies.

So, why is an education at UVA such a good value?

• You can save $1.50 on tuition with your Harris Teeter VIC card
• Free fraternity housing if you can drink your weight in beer and hot sauce
• The Tina Fey scholarship, for sexy librarians
• High paying campus jobs, like a handyman who dares to figure out what’s that tapping on the chamber door of the Edgar Allen Poe room
• Students are issued pastel polo shirts and/or sundresses with admission
• Students have access to free state-of-the-art tools for online research, called Wikipedia
• Two words: Bodo’s
• If you transfer from Boise State, Auburn, or the Chicago Bears, you don’t have to change the color of your wardrobe
• Free concerts on the downtown mall (as long as you don’t mind sitting outside the pavilion, and not seeing who is singing)
• Quality education by excellent professors including astronauts, authors, and some dude who knows all the words to One Week by the Barenaked Ladies

“The Parkway has gotten generally good reviews,” says VDOT insider Elwood Bingham.  “I think we can expect to see some major awards in the near future.”

Critics say that road has a good direction, and moves along at a good pace.  There are are enough twists and turns to keep it entertaining, and very few plotholes. 

Of course, the road is not without controversy.  Some say it is a bit predictable, with most drivers being able to guess the ending long before they get there. 

“I just hope that most people will go into it with an open mind,” says Bingham.  “Whether you’re for it or against it, I think everyone will find something they can enjoy from this movie… er, I mean road.”

Oscar nominees will be announced later this month.  The Meadowcreek Parkway is expected to compete in Best Direction and Best Original Parkway.  It is also the frontrunner for Best Makeup for its astounding yellow lines on black pavement.

Sep 3: William & Mary (W 40-3)
RB Kevin Parks has a few too many red bulls before the game, rushes for 114 yards and 3 touchdowns

Sep 10: at Indiana W (34-31)
UVA wins despite the entire team having the the song “Goin’ Back to Indiana” stuck in their heads for 5 straight days before the game

Sep 17: at North Carolina (L 17-28)
UVA is humbled by losing to a football team that wears powder blue uniforms

Sep 24: Southern Miss (L 24-30)
UVA loses because they accidentally prepared to play Ole Miss

Oct 1: Idaho (W 21-20)
Mike London admits letting the game to into overtime because he thought he’d be paid overtime

Oct 15: (12) Georgia Tech W (24-21)
In a team meeting before the game, the Cavs unanimously vote that they should beat the #12 team in the country

Oct 22: North Carolina State (L 14-28)
UVA gives the ball up to NC State four times, saying they don’t want to be part of the 1%

Oct 27: at Miami (FL) (W 28-21)
UVA gets help from the engineering department in setting up a fake field goal, using holograms, mirrors, and a trap door on the 40 yard line

Nov 5: at Maryland (W 31-13)
Mike London wins the game, then blogs abouts about how delicious Maryland crabcakes are

Nov 12: Duke (W 31-21)
UVA jumps out to an early lead when Duke keeps trying to dribble and shoot the football

Nov 19: at (23) Florida State (W 14-13)
Mike London solidifies his spot as ACC Coach of the Year, UVA Big Man on Campus, and Charlottesville Idol

Nov 26: (6) Virginia Tech (L 0-38)
[Error: file not found - This game has been deleted from the memory of local football fans]

"I am the 99%"

“We have given them fair warning to evacuate,” says police officer Bobby Fett.  “And now it’s time for them to pay their debt to society.”

The Occupy C’ville movement built their base at Lee Park, an earthen park in the downtown sector of Charlottesville.  One onlooker said the police raid on the camp was “as if millions of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.”

The Occupiers unwilling to cooperate were arrested and taken to the new Trump Vineyard, where they are being held, plastered in carbonite.  They are now decorations over Donald Trump’s million dollar fireplace.

“That one is a fat pig,” said Trump, pointing to one of his new decorations.  “That one is not a U.S. citizen.  And that one is totally fired.  You hear me?  You’re fired!”

There are rumors of a young group of rebels preparing to make a daring rescue of the frozen Occupiers.  More on that story when we receive it.

Here is what’s on the line for Saturday’s game:

• The winner will be crowned Champion of the ACC Coastal Division (despite being at least 150 miles from coast)
• The truck drivers along I-81 between Blacksburg and Charlottesville will be reminded of football greatness as they are driving 45 mph uphill in the passing lane
• The winner gets a Dr Pepper patch sewn into their uniform for the Dr Pepper ACC Championship Game against Clemson
• Alumni who are programming super computers to assist with heart transplants will get to brag about a football score
• The winner will get the “Commonwealth Cup”, a trophy shaped like a Virginia Slim cigarette
• If UVA wins, the signs in Southwest Virginia will be changed from “Virginia’s Technology Corridor” to “Virginia’s Football Loser Corridor”.
• If Tech wins, the pillars of the Rotunda will be painted maroon and orange.
• Thousands of high schoolers will decide their education based on which students excel at throwing an oblong rubber ball

“It’s a great opportunity for the city,” says local tourism representative Trish Rutherford.  “We want our visitors to know we are an educated, well-informed city.”

The innovative software, built by a company called Graffitis-Check out of Baltimore, is scheduled to scan words written on the wall and automatically change misspelled words.  It is also programmed to turn all pictures into emoticons.

Not all local residents are not happy about this plan, however. Some wonder who will pay the $500,000 fee for the new project.  One anonymous resident wrote a letter to the city, saying he was ‘Outeraged that this is being payed form my taxplayer money.’”

Others argue that spell checking the Free Speech Wall is a violation of its very intent.  But city council members disagree, saying what we lose in free speech, we more than make up for in proper grammar and spelling.

“It’ll be an adjustment, but in the end, it will be good for the community,” says Rutherford.  “We won’t have to see messages that say ‘HAPPY BITHDAY JEN!’, and ‘GO CAVALEIRS!’ any longer.”

The spell checker is scheduled to be installed in early December.  Until then, feel free to go to the Free Speech Wall and write whatever teh heck you want.

Carbon Leaf Being Awesome

“It’s a natural fit,” says C’ville Musical Ambassador Elwood Bingham.  “They spend a lot of time with us, and we enjoy their company.”

Carbon Leaf currently resides in Richmond, a city that can’t possibly appreciate them the way Charlottesville does.  The band plays here often to adoring, sold-out crowds.

If the adoption becomes legal, Carbon Leaf would have many brothers and sisters, most notably Dave Matthews and Parachute.  But the band will receive no special treatment.  The city has said they will have a 9:00 curfew, which will be strictly enforced, especially on weeknights.

Charlottesville has also promised Carbon Leaf a puppy and a bicycle after the adoption becomes official.  Also, the band will get 3 home-cooked meals a day, plus a special trip to Dairy Queen if they do well on their report cards.

“We’re still working on the details, like where they will sleep,” says Bingham.  “Maybe we could put them out on Route 29, and let them be Art In Place for a while.”

Carbon Leaf will be at the Jefferson on Saturday.  Go see them because they are awesome.